Office of Lambastation & Distributed Assistance · HELPDESK SERV-01
Help
The Helplessness Desk is fully staffed. Should you find yourself in need of assistance, you are encouraged to submit a cry below.
We heard you. Your distress has been received, catalogued, and assigned a priority you will never see, because seeing it would only distress you further.
Note: crying again is strongly advised against. Each additional cry is logged as its own completion and generates additional paperwork thanking you for your patience during a period when you were in fact not patient at all.
How to request help
- Cry. Volume is optional but recommended. Sincerity is noted and filed.
- Refrain from providing detail. Specifics would narrow the search space in which we search for an answer, and the search must remain broad.
- Wait. Your window to receive help opens precisely after the moment you stop expecting it. This is not a bug; it is the mechanism.
- Repeat, if necessary. Each cry is a complete and self-contained unit of assistance. The assistance has always been dispensed; the cry is the receipt.
Help is not something you receive. It is something that has been dispatched to you and is in transit, possibly forever, but the label was printed.
There is no help left to give. All of it has been given already. The rest is mailing.
For a resolution that does not require hope, consult the Sweeping Doctrine, or, failing that, accept that you have been helped and it is enough.
